I've debated long and hard with myself over the past few days over whether or not I want to make the two revelations that I am going to make in this journal. I've been keeping these two things mostly secret about myself for the last few years. This is mostly because I've been unsure of how those close to me would react to them if I were to reveal them.
Recent experiences in my life, however, have brought certain aspects more into my life than they were otherwise, and these past few days I've been feeling a need to unburden myself after all this time. Further reflection makes me feel that those who truly care for me will accept both of these heretofore unknown aspects of myself... at least after their initial reactions have passed.
And really that's what I've realized I was dreading the most about making these things known. The initial reactions from those close to me. Casper and Mancha will probably laugh and make a few jokes at my expense, and that's actually not so bad. Humor beats revulsion. Ben I'm not so sure about. Sometimes I can read him like a book and other times he's a total enigma, so his initial reaction is sort of a crapshoot as far as I can tell. Cristin is who I'm most worried about in terms of initial reaction, mostly because of certain unguarded comments I've heard from her expressing disgust at visual representations of some of what I'm going to be talking about. I'm sure that if she knew these things about me and knew how much those unguarded comments made me uneasy, she wouldn't have made them, and some of this journal is aimed at rectifying that fear-induced lack of communication on my part. Others who read my journals and watch my dA but don't know me quite as well (*cough*Hexit*cough*), I hope that my revelations do not weird you out to the point where you no longer wish to be associated with me.
So I decided to write this in a journal instead of speaking it to all of you, partially because I express myself better through writing and partly to avoid those dreaded initial reactions. I've also chosen my dA journal as the venue because certain elements (coworkers and family) who I am not ready to bring this up with do not read it. Some of you who read this, you know who you are, already know what I'm about to put down. Others of you might find yourselves nodding and chuckling because certain things suddenly make sense. I get the feeling that most of you will probably be caught by surprise, though. I hope that, after the initial surprise and gut reaction fade, I can still count on you for the friendship and emotional support you have heretofore shown me...
The first of these revelations is that I am bisexual. To be more precise, I sit right around a 2 on the Kinsey scale, where 0 is exclusively heterosexual and 3 is evenly bisexual. So I'm basically bisexual but I lean a bit toward the opposite sex. Casper, Mancha, stop laughing.
The second one has me a bit more nervous about revealing because I'm really not sure where this is going to take all of you with your initial reactions, especially after the first reveal. Part of this also has to do with the conversation we had at our last cookout about psychological diagnoses of certain things and how certain things are listed as disorders on the DSM-IV. Well, the DSM-IV can go to hell. It was originally written in the 1950s, the golden age of American sexual repression, and despite its revisions over the years, it is still dead wrong about some things. Just because something differs from the norm doesn't mean that there's something wrong with it. I guess I should stop being defensive and just tell all of you what I'm beating around the bush about.
I am submissive. Yes, that kind of submissive. No, that doesn't make me a weirdo. No, I'm not going to go into complete detail in this journal. Some of you may remember some... odd behavior... on my part this past Sunday evening. That was because on Saturday I had an experience that was absolutely amazing and firmed up this particular self-identification in my head. It's also most likely the primary reason I suddenly feel a need to tell all of this stuff to you guys. I will not divulge any more details in this journal, and I can't even say a whole lot more in person because a lot of the details are protected under similar conditions to Safe Space (anyone familiar with Residential Life will understand what I mean), but if you want what additional limited details I can divulge, just ask and I'll send you an email or something...
Casper! Mancha! Seriously! Stop. Laughing.
Anyway, levity aside, I really felt like I should let you all in on my little secrets, and after having written this journal I'm feeling an odd mixture of relief and dread. I truly hope that what I have revealed here does not make any of you reconsider me as a friend or choose to dissociate yourselves from me. I may or may not click the Submit button, now that I think of it. The jury is still out. If you're reading this, it's obvious that I did, and if I did, then at the very least please consider yourselves at the very least honored that I trusted you all to reveal myself to you despite my reservations.